My Immortal, Torn Apart
by DiabolicalxDarling
Summary: A different perspective of the infamous work from Tara Gilesbie- from someone who hasn't seen or read Harry Potter or anything related to it. Obsenity, fury, a general understanding of the English language and some very basic understanding of Harry Potter. Interesting? I think yes.
1. Chapter 1

Hey everyone! I'm Amanda, and this is my scathing commentary on the piece of "gothic" fuckery that is My Immortal. Some things I should mention before you start reading this:  
1. This is an updated, edited, more vulgar and obscene version of my original commentary.  
2. I haven't read or seen anything from the Harry Potter franchise outside of listening in awkwardly on conversations and seeing commercials. And somehow I know more than this bitch. That is some mind blowing shit.  
3. No promises I'll make it all the way through. Last time I attempted this I had to stop because of migraines and a general loss in faith in humanity.

So, enjoy some cursing, sarcasm, and general raging at the shitfic known as My immortal... with some actual understanding of the English language thrown in.

* * *

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **(I've never heard of "goffik" and if it's some trend that I've never heard of and can't possibly understand, then you are "hipster," and if this is the future of hipsters God save me now) **2 my gf (ew not in that way) **(never criticize anyone for being homophobic again. Since you love to do so in future chapters.) **raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok!

Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **(I love how this is the only time Justin is mentioned. For being the love of her life, she sure doesn't show much affection.)**

MCR ROX!

Hi my name is **(STOP. Ok, right there. That's just bad. You don't start a story that way. EVER.) **Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(You were born with hella long black hair? And your parents knew it'd stay that way? Eew. I call major bullshit on that.) **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **(Maybe I'm stupid but what's a limpid tear?)** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) **(I will leave when you learn how to kick me out with proper grammar and spelling.)**

***Commenter's note-**

**I'm breaking this up by sentences. That is one LONG fucking sentence. And it doesn't need to be. 65 words! Including AN interruptions. A long sentence is ok. But it has to be a ****good**** long sentence. One that has relevant facts. That piece of crap just left me going "for the love of all that is holy, **_**shut up."**_

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **(So's my brother Ima go make out with him now cuz he's just tasty. ***_**sarcasm**_*** Plus WHY on EARTH is she still interrupting her story with her own train of thought? We don't give a single shit about her incestuous fantasies, do we?) **

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. **(Your dentist must be so proud?)**

I have pale white skin. **(Couldn't you have introduced this some other way?)**

I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **(I should assume that her being of mixed vampire and witch blood means something and has relevance in this story, bringing up some amazing, twisted, centuries old feud or something epic like that, but based on the last 3 lines I'm against that and thinking it's just more random shit.)**

I'm a goth **(goth= goff? Let's work on the assumption of yes.) **(in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. **(We learn far too much about what shit you wear over the course of this crap fic.)**

I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **(Brownie points won and lost through awesome store plug but in crap-tastically awful sentence.)**

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.** (fashion sense- or a lack thereof- does not make writing good. We won't be all dazzled and think "holy shit this girl's sexy, her writing is suddenly spectacular!" for two reasons. The first is that reading does not work this way. We're not idiots. The second is that this outfit sounds like a train wreck, granted it isn't as bad as some of your future descriptions.)**

I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **(And now the description is a train wreck worthy of the Olsen Twins at Rocky Horror Picture Show.)**

I was walking outside Hogwarts. **(Congratulations.)**

It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. **(We've had to hear about your clothing, we really don't want to listen to your weather preferences. Just shut the fuck up, you stupid twat. I'm not even going to bother with the impossible weather you mention.)**

A lot of preps stared at me. **(Did they turn to stone as well?)**

I put up my middle finger at them.** (So, did you like, remove a middle finger from one hand and hold it up with the other? Saying it this way sounds fucking ridiculous.)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. **(Someone shouted. Otherwise she seems schizophrenic. This isn't some random voice, it's coming from someone.)**

I looked up.

It was…. Draco Malfoy! **(only preppy, boy- obsessed, cheer- leader, pink and white and sparkly girls build suspension over a guy like this. POSER!)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked. **(Holy. Crap. Alert the fucking media, it's a sentence without need of correcting.)**

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(I haven't read Harry Potter, or seen the movies. And even **_**I**_** know that's wrong. See the problem here?)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(1, That's a shitty sentence. 2, If you like him- as I am lead to believe by the suspense you created winding up to his name… 4 lines ago- **_**invite him to go with you.**_** Dumbass)**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!**(Thank God that's over.)**

* * *

****Well, that is the first chapter, done.

A couple things I'd like to mention now is that being I have no knowledge of Harry Potter, and these shit characters are in no way truly related to Harry potter, what does anyone think of My Immortal having its own section in fanfiction? If anyone is interested I am thinking of starting a petition and I'll figure out who to go to about this because let's be honest, there is My Immortal crap stopping up the Harry Potter page. When it's not Harry potter. Give My Immortal its own section!

Next, is the worst sentence in My Immortal. This thing gets worse and worse the more you read. But every once in a while, there's a new low. There's just some sentence that fucks your mind so thoroughly in its horrid-ness, that makes it the worst sentence there. So i'm going to keep track of that right here. Starting it off is:

Chapter 1  
Hi my name isEbony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)

You know it's bad when the first sentence of the first chapter is the worst. There are several reasons for this. She starts with "Hi my name is." Stories don't start that way. Next she goes into random ass detail about her fucking hair. In the first goddamned sentence. She also makes an obscure reference and then demands that anyone not understanding her reference needs to stop reading her story. That's all just bad. But let's face it, this is a good sentence in comparison to the rest of her story. It's all downhill from here.

So, send me a message, write a review, just let me know what you think! Thanks everyone!  
XOXO Amanda


	2. Chapter 2

Hey everyone! Thanks for checking out my story, saw I got a few hits, made me happy. :) Not to be a beggar here though, but if you don't mind sending me a review or even a message from my profile letting me know what you think (if you think it doesn't deserve reviews, just send me a message, I don't particularly care). Thanks so much if you do! I plan on updating ever Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so I don't fry my brain again in doing my commentary. I'd really like to be able to finish this thing. I'd really love some feedback, though, so if you can make that time, that'd be awesome. I'm incredibly particular about my reviews, I spend legitimate time replying to each and every sing one. If I go 100 reviews in my inbox, I'd reply to every single one, because I am that grateful. I mean it. Thank you guys, and I hope you enjoy this next chapter!

Thank you Dndchk for reviewing, subscribing, everything! Made me smile! :)

Thanks guys, enjoy! ~Amanda

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Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **(Why do I get the feeling that this isn't another person, it's just her second account? I don't believe for a fucking second someone is on the same level of idiocy as her.)**

BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **(Can it really be a "bedroom" if there's no bed? Buddum- ksshh)**

It was snowing and raining again. **(Now I'll ask. HOW?)**

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **(… I only care if it is poisoned and you are about to die a slow, painful death as it eats away at your insides.)**

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. **(Not only do we not care, but you just completely undermined your "goff" reputation.)**

I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. **(Well something about you is normal. You wear big t shirts to bed. I'm so proud!)**

Instead **(Why is this word here?)**, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. **(Only one "on" is necessary in that sentence. It just sounds funky and it bugs the crap out of me.)**

I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(See that line back there? That's the line of perfectly detailed. See how far we've gone past it? That's how much detail you have. It's way too fucking much! Excessive words does not mean good writing!)**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. **(I think this is the only time she ever mentions having a roommate.)**

She flipped her long **(1.) **waist-length** (2.)** raven black **(3.) **hair with pink streaks **(4.) **and opened her forest-green **(5.) **eyes. **(5 pieces of pointless, unoriginal detail about a new character. Ughhhhh. And plus… [**and opened her forest-greeneyes**]… This wasn't implied when she woke up and grinned? Wow, that must've been weird…)**

She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. **(So… she's an elf? I only guess with the pointy boots and all…)**

We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(I want to stab her eyes out with her lipstick and choke her on her eye liner.)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(Does she literally say "Oh Em Ef Gee?" I sorta hope she does, but at the same time… to me this just SOUNDS preppy. Oh my god you are a fucking poser.)**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(Is that a properly placed comma I see? I'm so proud!)**

"Do you like Draco?" **(You see someone talking to another person, and therefore they must be crushing hardcore? Wow… that must cause a lot of mixed signals.) **she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(Yup because that's convincing.)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. **(This reminds me of conversations I had with other girls in like, 3****rd**** and 4****th**** grade… minus the cursing. But yeah, when we talked about guys, this was how we talked.)**

Just then, Draco walked up to me. **(And here begins the endless miraculous luck you seem to have, you unworthy bitch.)**

"Hi." he said. **(Was "he said" necessary?)**

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(This is not a word! I'm all for making up words, but it has to sound good. This is just bad.)**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(Is. Is having a concert. And see? CONTINUOUS FUCKING GOOD LUCK!) **"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed.

I love GC. **(Duly noted by the "OMFG I screamed" part. Stupid twat, good music. I'll be honest)**

They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(Cool. We don't give two fucks, bitch. Move on.)**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **(Can you believe your **_**fucking**_** luck?)**

I gasped. **(At all the random shit I put into this lame ass fic.)**

* * *

Well I'm happy that's over. Thank god. I hope you guys enjoyed it, had a few laughs, what have you.

Worst sentence:  
Chapter 1  
Hi my name isEbony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)

Honestly I don't think she's topped that one yet. There's a lot of "he said" "she said" in this chapter, but nothing as infuriating as this first sentence. She the first sentence of the first chapter, still up there in being the worst in this story thus far.

Thank you so much for reading, bearing with me, and I look forward to hearing anything and everything you have to say!  
~Amanda


	3. Chapter 3

Hey everybody! Not to let outside events spoil the general lightheartedness and comedic intent of this commentary, I really have no comments for this little talk here after the events of last night. If anyone hasn't heard, there was a mass shooting in Colorado at the premier of The Dark Knight Rises last night. My mind is somewhere else today, and all I have to say is I wish every single one of you well and from the very bottom of my heart tell you I am grateful that you are here- even though you are complete strangers to me. I'm contemplating starting some fundraising and donations to send to the theater to doll out among the victim's families and to help repair the theater, if anyone has any ideas on what would be good to help raise money or would like to do so in their town, I'm sure it would help all these people in Colorado a lot. Hundreds have been affected by this one monster, and it's the very least we can do. Sorry I really have no clever wit this morning...

Thanks you Dndchk for your continued support, I love your reviews and our conversations!

Enjoy this chapter, and I hope to hear from you!

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Chapter 3. **(ughh….)**

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!

odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(Oh honey... Those weren't good reviews. They're laughing at you, not with you.)**

FANGS AGEN RAVEN! **(Yeah thanks, bitch. You're fucking useless!)**

oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(Fandom revoked! No true fan would spell the name of their band wrong, at least not without correcting it! Even if you are this shitty!)**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. **(1.)**

Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. **(2.)**

Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. **(3.)**

I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **(4.)**

I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **(5.)**

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

**(…** **Ok, I have to rant about this cutting thing she has going on. I can't promise this will be my only rant, but I'm going to try to make this my only one. Feel free to skip this. This isn't funny. It's straight offensive. And I'm a tolerant person, but this… gets on my nerves. If any of you readers have been there, you know that it's not just an "oh ima cut myself now" sorta thing. It's a lot more than that. And just tossing it around like this is really, really mean. I have held my friend in my arms as she sobbed and said "I want to die, I want to slit my wrists and die, I want to bleed to death." This shit is not fucking funny. So Tara Gilesbie or whatever the fucking hell your name is, I am calling you out. You are a fucking poser and you have offended me greatly, and no amount of your bullshit apologies, explanations, or blaming will change that. Bitch, go die. Rant over.)**

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. **(Oh my god, could you have not just skipped all this shit?)**

I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. **(6.)**

Then I put on some black lipstick. **(7.)**

I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **(8.) (Even telling us what you DON'T do? REALLY? FUCKING REALLY?) **

**(Count done. 8 sentences about her getting dressed. Holy hell. Plus telling us what she DIDN'T do and everything. That's about… 6 minutes of my life I won't get back. I could have done something meaningful in those 6 minutes! I wouldn't have, but you know, I damned well could have!)**

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **(You're STILL not ready? Fuck bitch for not being a prep you take a fucking long time to get ready. You seem hella preppy to me.)**

I went outside.

Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(Why could we not have just skipped to this?)**

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(Maybe it's only in California, but skaters wear skinny jeans. Like super skinny jeans. And sag half way down their asses. Again, maybe that's just California. But as for everything else… I just have no words. He's a drag queen. And I dated a drag queen, so I KNOW.)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(Can you have an exclamation point and sound depressed at the same time? Is that possible?)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. **(He said back. Ugh. It runs shivers down my spine. If you HAVE to put a little sentence after he speaks, at least say "replied" for the love of god. …He said back… Who does that?)**

We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **(To me that just sounds so fucking stupid… ) **(the license plate said 666) **(That license plate number isn't long enough.) ** and flew to the place with the concert. **(You've already introduced where the concert is. Just say "Hogsmeade" or however it's spelled, maybe add "for the concert," even though that isn't necessary because you've mentioned the concert so many times. At the very least, say "place OF the concert.")**

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson.

We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **(Fucking stoners. Hell, not even real stoners, this just sounds stupid.)**

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **(Goffs now hop! Lulz)**

We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **(Let us pretend the baby referred to in the lyrics is you, Tara Gilesbie. After cutting the umbilical cord, the doctor should have hung you with it. Yes, I just said that. The doctor should have seen you, known what abomination you would create and hung you with your umbilical cord before this all happened.)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **(That's slightly weird.)**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(If he's as emo and depressed as you say he is, won't he look sad no matter what?)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music.

Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Can you have a sensitive, sweet moment while in a mosh pit? Is that really possible? I mean I've never been in one but from what I've had described to me by my ex- the drag queen ex, in fact- it doesn't sound possible.)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(And because he's not related to her. That's a deal breaker right there.)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time.

So did Draco.

After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. **(Couldn't believe your fucking luck, could you?)**

We got GC concert tees.

Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest **(Dun dun DUNNNNN… he's kidnapping her and they will live amongst their forest friends for the rest of their sad miserable little lives. End of story.)**

**(I wish.)**

* * *

****Well that's chapter 3! Hopefully it was a good distraction from this depressing day. Hopefully I put a smile on someone's face. Thank you for reading, and I really would like to hear from some people today. Thanks everyone!

Worst sentence:  
Chapter 1  
Hi my name isEbony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)

Really nothing gets worse than this. It just doesn't. Until later.

Thanks again for reading, i look forward to hearing opinions, critiques, complaints, and maybe even some flames.  
~Amanda


	4. Chapter 4

Hey! I realize I'm posting really late tonight. Sorry! I had the chapter, I've just been under the weather today. It's all done! :)

Thank you Dndchk for your review and also kbomb234 for the favorite and the subscription! Made me so happy!

I hope you enjoy the chapter and I look forward to hearing from people!  
~Amanda

* * *

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **(But... but… but… which is it?) **nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **(A common mary sue trait) **dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **(See, it's paragraphs like this that make me think that this has got to be a trollfic. NO ONE could be this fucking stupid. I worked in a first grade class, and they had better spelling and grammar than this bitch. I'm dead serious.)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(This is my own little pet peeve. You are. Just say you're. Who really says the full two words anymore? Even when I read them, in my mind I make the contraction. Sorry that just really bugs me, personally, ever since I started noticing it all over my Pokemon books back in like third grade.)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. **(As opposed to… skipping out of the car? Slithering? Rollerskating?)**

"What the fucking hell?" **(Can I just…)** I asked angrily. **(Ok I feel better.)**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped. **(Oh my fucking god what is with all these after talking thingies! I don't know what they're called, but those little things after the dialogue! Those! There's only two people in the scene, we can figure out who is who! They aren't necessary!)**

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **(no comment.) **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(…WHATTT? Not only does "depressing sorrow and evilness" sound completely idiotic but, like… Gahhh this makes me want to throw rocks at kittens.) **

And then… **(Hey there lil' dots, are ya'll lost?)** suddenly just as I **(I'd ask for you to complete this sentence but nobody here gives a flying fuck to know what you were about to do) **Draco kissed me passionately. **(I'm impressed. You spelled passionately right.)**

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **(You're leaning on a tree, and he's on top of you…? Uhm…. O.o There's a problem with that. You're either between him and the tree or laying next to the tree with him on top of you. Pick one.)**

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. **(With a guy you "so fucking don't like?")**

I even took of my bra. **(That's not a really big deal… guess that makes me a whore but whatever. Me and my friend have strip fights. Like tackling the other and trying to get their shirt off. Yes, I swear on my grandmother's grave I'm straight.)**

Then he put his thingie **(Finger? Tongue? Toe? Ear?) **into my you-know-what **(No, I don't fucking know what. So I'm assuming it's your nasal cavity. NOSE SEX!)** and we did it for the first time.

**So this is a major lesson in writing here. If you're too much of a pussy to write the word, don't write about it. Just say it already. VA-GI-NA. VAAA-GIII-NAA. VAG-INA. PEEEE-NISSS. For the love of God, woman. Genitalia may be ugly but it's not terrible. Either go all the way or not at all. Haha kinda like sex! RAM IT ALL IN OR GTFO, BITCH. Back on topic, now.**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. **(Kinky. BREAK OUT THE TREE VINE WHIPS!)**

I was beginning to get an orgasm. **(Whore. First date. Ever, I'm pretty sure. And you're having sex in the woods.)**

We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **(Kiss. His penis. After you find it, of course.)**

And then…. **(STOP KIDNAPPING DOTS AND FORCING THEM INTO THESE AWFUL SITUATIONS. IT'S LIKE SLAVERY, I TELL YOU! YOU TAKE THEM FROM WHRE THEY BELONG AND PUT THEM IN THESE TERRIBLE, AWFUL PLACES! IT'S HORRIFIC!)**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **(Heh I think that would be pronounced "motherfookers.")**

It was….Dumbledore! **(This is the most climactic anticlimax in this non-story yet!)**

* * *

A new worst sentence maybe? Yes, I believe we do.  
Chapter 4  
Then he put his thingieinto my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

It was a close call between this and "And then… suddenly just as IDraco kissed me passionately." This instance of total ADD literary horror is not as frustrating as the sentence I chose. It is really important to follow through in what you write. If you're going to put in a sex scene, say the fucking body parts already. Follow through on everything you write, because if you don't believe what you write, the readers won't either. The reason this takes the place of Chapter 1's traumatic sentence is because I can understand something like that happening. That's someone who doesn't understand how to start a story. Where as when someone does have that confidence in their writing to throw in sex, this is a half assed, piece of shit sentence. This is pathetic. And will be considerably difficult to top.

So, thank you for reading, thank you for listening, and I hope to hear from some people!  
~Amanda


	5. Chapter 5

AAAAAH I'M SORRY I BROKE MY PROMISE ABOUT UPDATES! D: I babysat all day yesterday, 9-5. I got home and my brother was being an ass and I literally sat down and Skyped and played Pokemon and... that was it. I totally forgot it was even Wednesday. A day late, but I have the new chapter! I will do everything in my power to make sure it NEVER happens again!

Thank you Dndchk and Oneofthosepeopleonthestreet for your reviews, and for your subscriptions and such, Person on the Street.

So, 24 hours late, but here is the latest chapter of My Immortal, with no shortage of expletives, ranting, and correcting. If I could legally get away with it, I would teach high school English just to be able to do this to students' papers.

* * *

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming!

if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **(Flam –courtesy of - "****a drumbeat of two strokes of which the first is a very quick grace note.")**

Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **(By now we're all tuning you out just don't bother, you stupid little excuse of a human.)**

PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **(Is that a promise?)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. **(How? Did he tie them up? I mean I'm all for some bondage but this is just awkward.)**

He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **(Uhm… we know. See previous line. [**_kept shouting at us_**] Ok? Ok. Plus what happened to all the cursing? Pick, big schmancy words or dirty inappropriate language you can't have both.) (Unless you're **_**really awesome.**_**)**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **(You should see a doctor about that…)**

Draco comforted me. **(Honey it's only because he porked you.)**

When we went back to the castle **(You sound like you went somewhere before going back. ) **Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **(This sentence makes me want to throw myself off the Golden Gate Bridge.)**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(Furious voice is implied.)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(Haha they don't even make satisfactory dunces they're just mediocre.)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **(How did they dare to? She told you already, he put his thingy into her we- know- what. Someone should explain the concept of sexual intercourse to Snape.)**

And then Draco shrieked.

"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(I get the funniest picture I my head when I think about it. Some cross between "scream" and cupid and anime. Like a complete fucked up banshee face. Don't ask.)**

Everyone was quiet.

Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said.

"Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

**(Damn I wish that would happen for me. I would never worry about my parents walking in. I mean they walk in on me and my boyfriend getting down and dirty and after being all "HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT WHAT THE FUCKING CHRIST ARE YOU DOING?" we can just be like "sex duh you dumb shits" and when they're all "well WHY?" say all dramatically "BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH OTHER" and they'll jus be all "oh ok well if that's the case we won't worry about whether you're using protection or not or the fact you're underage or just aren't allowed to do it in our house. Bye!" That would be EPIC)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **(You're letting them go. You have lost all rights to glaring at their backs.)**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **(More talking? Uggghhhh)**

"Yeah I guess." I lied.

I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut *** **black ***** floor-length***** dress with red lace***** all around it***** and black high heels.*** (See those stars? Those are details. There are 6 of them. That's 6 too many.)**

When I came out…. **(Stop kidnapping periods and putting them in random places in this story!)**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. **(Uhm…. O.o )**

I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **(You're flattered? Shouldn't you be like … "Dude WTF are you doing outside my bathroom. GTFO")**

We hugged and kissed.

After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **(Thank GOD.)**

* * *

Well hello again. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Again, thousands of apologies for being so late.

Worst Sentence?

Chapter 4  
Then he put his thingieinto my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

Nope... nothing tops the atrocity of this pussy footing about simple sex. Not even _good_ sex. Not in this chapter at least. And for a person who is so hell-bent on explaining every detail (as long as it is insignificant) this is just pathetic. And that is why it continues to reign as the worst sentence in this shit-fic. If you don't agree? shoot of a review or a message and we can debate. Just because I say them doesn't mean it is set in stone. I'm not God. So... hit me up.

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to hearing from people! I cannot express how much it makes me smile whenever I see I get a review, from anyone, and it makes my entire day! Thanks people!

~Amanda


	6. Chapter 6

Look I uploaded it on time today! :D Unlike Wednesday. I still hate that forgot. Well, it's been an exciting week, and I'm glad to have heard from some new people, which made me insanely happy! I love talking to you guys. Not to be creepy or anything. I'm sure you'll get used to me taking endlessly by the end of this commentary. I love hearing opinions and such. It makes me happy. I hope you like this chapter too!

Thank you Dndchk, Oneofthosepeopleonthestreet, and Gentiana for all of your support! Seeing my amount of reviews effectively double over night made my entire week! Thank you thank you thank you!

So... nothing really exciting has happened and I can't think of anything else to talk about. That's strange. So without further chatting, enjoy the next chapter!

* * *

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok!

PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(Why do you always start here? Just get to the point. We can figure out that she woke up and got dressed and shit)**

I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black.

I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears.

I spray-painted my hair with purple. **(Spray paint? I don't think that's what you should be using. But whatever floats your crazy boat…)**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **(I don't give two fucks about what you ate for breakfast, but I have to ask. Red blood, as compared to...? Blood isn't whine. There isn't like… a red and white variety.)**

Suddenly someone bumped into me.

All the blood spilled over my top. **(So in getting gently bumped you manage to throw your cup and bowl on yourself? Smooth.)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. **(Hey, that's uncalled for. You're the klutz here.)**

I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **(What does it matter what he looks like? Don't you have a boyfriend? Or is he [Draco] just a fuck buddy? Because while that's fun and all, he [Draco] understands that point right?)**

He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. **(Tacky. And how does the amount of eyeliner make **_**you**_** go down his face? What do you do, just slide your hand over it? "Oh it's so nice to meet you, let me just ravage your face with my palm, I'm sorry it's just that **_**eyeliner**_**… there's so much of it… let me just… oh yes…")**

He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **(If you're just meeting him how do you know he used to have glasses and a scar?)**

He had _a_ manly stubble on his chin. **(It was only one stubble. How manly. He hasn't even got peach fuzz.)**

He had a sexy English accent. **(You can tell just by looking? Considering he hasn't said a word yet.)**

He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(So, you were sexually attracted to him. Big whoop. Hot guys exist, though I can't say this is exactly a "hot guy" I won't complain about your preferences. But those last few words need to be fixed. Don't write like that. Second person is confusing and rarely, rarely works. I've tried. I've failed. Just don't do it. And I wouldn't say that's like an erection so to speak… I mean I can look at a guy and think "daaaamn I'd tie him down to my headboard any day" but that doesn't mean I'd have necessarily a feeling similar to that of an erection. And to clarify, I have asked and I have learned about that sort of thing. Attraction does not mean arousal. Someone needs to go back through Sex Ed.)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" **(May I?) *poof* ****(Thank you.)**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **(I don't quite get how that's grumbling. But really. Vampire. You give your character like, 5 names and yet he gets "Vampire" when he's the ORIGINAL MAIN CHARACTER. …wow.)**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(Giggling in this context is incredibly weird. Bonus question: How does one just happen to find that out? That they love the taste of human blood? "Oh SHIT oops I cut you… oh… you're bleeding… Oh what can we do… here's a towel let me just help you clean that right u- OMNOMNOM tasty.")**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **(You say confessed like you hide it.)**

"Really?" he whimpered. **(Whimpered?)**

"Yeah." I roared. **(Roared? Really now this is getting worse and worse!)**

We sat down to talk for a while.

Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(Nose sex! That's the surprise. Because it's not rape if you yell surprise.)**

* * *

Well hello again ;) I hope you enjoyed this chapter! :) I won't be weird, I promise. Well, mostly. I get plenty weird in some of this...

Worst Sentence:

Chapter 6  
"He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko."

Yep, we have a new ruler of the book. This takes over the previous sentence for a couple main reasons. First of all, the vague description. "He was this sexy" does not work as a description. What is incredibly sexy to me is different to someone else. What gets me hot and rearing for some hardcore sex may totally turn the next girl off. (I told you I get weird.) And her scale of "sexy men" is not universal, so this fails. Second is the contradiction. This isn't Starburst, it isn't ok. It's either like an erection, or not. And I highly doubt she looked at a dude and just got totally horny, since I don't know a single female who has had this happen, why would she even say it in the first place. Last is the sudden second person perspective. No matter how good of a writer anyone is, Second person does not work. Unless it's something like this where I am a literal person talking to the audience, and not a character in a story, it NEVER WORKS. I have tried. I failed horrendously. Don't do it.

And that is why that sentence is absolute shit. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I look forward to hearing from everyone!

~Amanda


	7. Chapter 7

Well hello there people. I have chapter 7 here! Hopefully it makes me feel better, I had to take down a birds nest today. That I know birdies still live in. I felt evil... 5 birdies are now homeless because of me. But at least their shit isn't all over our front porch anymore. I hope you guys have had a better day than I have.

Thank you Dndchk and Gentiana for your reviews! You guys are so much fun to talk to ^-^

And so, without further stalling, chapter 7! :D

* * *

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life **(Titles do not give your writing merit. It's still shit.)**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **(The fucktards that gave this bitch a reason to continue writing this are some of the worst on the planet. Why would you do such a thing.)**

n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **(Tin god vons? The hell are those?)**

STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **(Challenge accepted.)**

Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **(I don't give a shit about this Evony character. EBONY/ ENOBY is a mary sue.) **

n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **(Another common trait of the mary sue. Forced bullshit problems.) **

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. **(The way this is written makes it sounds like they disconnected their hands and carried said hands and some nail polish upstairs. I highly doubt this happened.)**

I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **(I can't make a single ounce of sense out of that sentence. I honestly can't. Like… I really, really, have no FUCKING clue what the hell is going on there. That being said, it doesn't make her any less of a Mary Sue.)**

I waved to Vampire.

Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **(I loathe this sentence. With every ounce of my being, I loathe this sentence.)**

I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **(Huh? What on earth so far in this crapfic would give you that idea? You've barely talked to the guy!)**

Anyway, **(back to me, the main character, in all my annoying twat shit girl mary sue glorious bitchery) **I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. **(Didn't you already go upstairs? Shit.)**

We went into his room and locked the door. **(Scandalous!)**

Then… **(Wait for it…)**

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **(M. Night Shyamalan is this you? I only ask because your preference for building suspense and then trashing it is very reminiscent of **_**Airbender **_**the movie.)**

He felt me up before I took of my top. **(I promise you Draco I've felt better boobs. On guys and girls alike.)**

Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants.

We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **(Yes. Very. Very. Stupid. Why not bold that and underline and italicize while you're at it?)**

**[**We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we _**HAD SEX**_.**]**

**(Better. Now… His boy's thingy in yours? You have a boy's thingy too? You have a penis? Well damn! If so, you're doing it wrong, the penis goes into the asshole. ANAL SEX. Beautiful, right?)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **(You didn't notice it the times he'd worn t shirts or the last time you guys fucked? That means it's recent. Or you're just incredibly stupid. I can't decide which it is.)**

It was a black heart with an arrow through it.

On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **(So? Most every bimbo preteen girl and socialite lonely soccer mom in the United States does too.)**

I was so angry. **(So… I take it that orgasm self- destructed?)**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed. **(No coffin for goff boy?)**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. **(I hate to say it, but he's right… You cannot comprehend just how much I **_**hate**_** to say it.)**

But I knew too much. **(No you don't! It's just a fucking tattoo!)**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted.

"You probably have AIDs anyway!" **(Well… you can get HIV from needles… so this DOES have some validity… Saying that sentence scares me…)**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. **(Haha that's a funny scene. I can just see her stomping her feet like a third grader and trying to put on her clothes and going "HMPH!" and all)**

Draco ran out even though he was naked. **(He really sat there watching her get dressed? He didn't think to at least put on boxers while she put on her clothes? That's stupid.)**

He had a really big you-know-what** (Dear lord just say it. Here, I'll say it with you. Slowly. Peeeeenniiiissss. Peeeeenis. PENIS.)** but I was too mad to care. **(We just don't care. If you could write decent citrus maybe we would. But you can't. And so we don't.)**

I stomped out and did so **(You kept stomping out?) **until I was in Vampire's classroom **(Fuckin creeper you just meet him and you know his class schedule?) **where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **(To be expected. He's in a class, not a one- on- one tutoring session.)**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(*dramatic bitch slaps*)**

* * *

Well that's chapter 7. I hope you liked it.

Worst Sentence:

Chapter 6  
"He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko."

It was a very close call between this and the HAD SEX sentence. You have no idea. It was really hard making a choice. But when I had someone who hasn't read My Immortal read both sentences, they laughed at this one. They couldn't even fucking understand this shit. And so, it holds it's place as ruler of the shit fic.

I hope to hear from a lot of people! I love talking to you guys, really, just shoot me a review!

~Amanda


	8. Chapter 8

Hey there ;) lol creepiness aside, I had a good day of doing legitimately nothing but making cookies, watching tv, and playing pokemon. I have no excuse whatsoever for posting this so late, other than I took advantage of the fact that my entire family was gone ALL DAY LONG and I had the house to myself and thus, forgot everything outside of my phone, ds, tv, and skype existed. It's technically still wednesday though? But I have no excuse. But if you awesome people will take Pokemon as an excuse, that'd be amazing!

Thank you to my marvelous three friends, Gentiana, Dndchk, and Oneofthosepeopleonthestreet for your reviews! :DD You make me happy ^-^

* * *

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! **(Flassing- courtesy of urban dictionary- "flossing**** one's ass. floss an ass." So yeah, people, stop flossing your asses! That sounds really fucked up in the first place!)**

if u do de prep! **(That's not a threat. Saying you are going to come to their house and hold a knife to their throat and instruct them on how to write a decent review of this shit fic is a threat. Being a prep is not.)**

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **(You didn't even break up. You were never really "together." You were just having stupid sex and freaked out like the stupid twit you are and ran out on him. He should be like "Shut the fuck up for one god damn second you stupid bitch and fucking listen to me!") **

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly. **(Oh cry me a river.)**

My friend B'loody **(Apostrophe?) **Mary Smith **(Bloody mary. Creative.) **smiled at me understatedly.

_She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood thatg she was wearing contact lenses on. _

_She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. _

_Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. _

_She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. _

_It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. _

_(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) _

**(Ok, they give all this description of BMS and then… SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A LINE. She just happens to stare sarcastically as Ebony/Enoby/Evony flips her shit in the middle of a random class. So she gets all this detail that **_**we don't care about**_**. Holy mother of fuck, Batman.)**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!** (?)**" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **(If you ignore it, why bother putting it in? plus, and I haven't read Harry Potter so feel free to flame me for this assumption, but I don't believe there is a chance in hell anyone talked like that. If they do, thank God I didn't read it because it would drive me up the fucking wall and out the god damned window.)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **(You're not going out with "Harry". He didn't cheat on you. He just happens to be the other woman. You should be yelling at Draco. Draco cheated on you. And this is a complete assumption, you have no idea when he got that tattoo, OR if it's a name or just a vague word! Shut your ugly face!)**

Everyone gasped. **(Why do they care?)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **(What fucking perspective is this?)**

I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. **(Who's POV are we in? Thanks author for letting me know about that sudden random pointless POV switch! Not. Bonus: two past tense words does **_**not**_** help you get your point across. It makes you sound like a dumbass.)**

He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. **(Who the hell is Britney?) (haha it's the My Immortal version of Fucking Lauren from Twilight. We're supposed to hate her but we have no idea who the fuck she is.) (And for context to that, go to Youtube and watch all of the Alex reads Twilight series. It si the funniest shit and he has an awesome accent. Just do it.)**

We were just good friends now. **(Cool?)**

He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **(But… but… but… So he is newly goffic. Which means he wasn't goff when you dated… So he was a prep. So, yes, you did in fact hang out with a prep.)**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **(Good enough explanation for me!)**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. **(Sweet Jesus you needy bitch what more do you want? Also, YOU WENT AND FOUND HIM! YOU'RE IN HIS CLASSROOM! DON'T FUCKING TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF!)**

I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **(Your what?) **to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.** (Good. This is what you deserve.)**

* * *

Hi! I hope you liked that chapter, and it makes up for the fact that I didn't update until 9:30 at night! I'm gonna go text, skype, and play some more Pokemon. My job hasn't started yet (been employed all summer, but haven't works and hour because they store went under construction after they hired me... It has royally sucked a fat one.) I look forward to hearing from people! Thanks for reading!

Worst Sentence:

Chapter 8:

"She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood thatg she was wearing contact lenses on."

You may disagree with me on this being the worst sentence, and I honestly had a really tough time choosing. This one wins out because Ebony is a whore and has no sexual knowledge whatsoever, where as this is random detail about a chick who is literally STANDING THERE AND DOING NOTHING. I mean I get she describes pointless shit, but when she describes her key, she's using her key. When she describes her door, she's opening her door. When she describes her broom, she's fying on said broom. THIS CHICK IS DOING ABSOLUTE JACK SHIT AND GETS 6 TO 8 SENTENCES OF DESCRIPTION AND BACK STORY. And that is bullshit. Also, the complete idiocies in this sentence. Hair is measured in length, not trash (waste). Back does not always equal goth. And contact lenses more often than not aren't seen upon a meer glance. At least, none that I've seen. So yeah, we have a new worst sentence!

Thank you again for reading, and I look forwad to hearing from anyone and everyone!  
~Amanda


	9. Chapter 9

Hey everyone! It's Friday and time for a new chapter! Sorry I'm kinda late today, I was going to post earlier then my siblings started bitching to drive them to the pool, and that is a miserable experience. Absolutely miserable. But I'm here now!

Thank you for the reviews, Gentiana, Oneofthosepeopleonthestreet, Dndchk, and Amledo! Made my day!

* * *

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok!

I dntn red all da boox! **(I know this makes me seem hypocritical but if you haven't read the books you shouldn't be writing a fanfic for Harry Potter.)**

**(My Immortal needs its own section. That would just make life easier. Because honestly, this shit is NOT Harry Potter. Only Stephanie Meyer could make millions off of shit writing. JK Rowling couldn't. Or well… I should hope she couldn't. No more bullshit books on the shelves, please.)**

dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **(Bitch please. I haven't seen the movies either, ok? And **_**I**_** know this is complete and utter bullshit.)**

besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! **(You should see a doctor about that. They have medicine that could fix that all right up.)**

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian **(Honest question- they have the catholic religion in Harry Potter? But… weren't there all sorts of religious people crying out because Harry Potter was like… against Christianity according to them or whatever?) **and vampire is a satanist!

MCR ROX! **(God MCR I'm so sorry.)**

I was so mad and sad. **(So are we when we see writing like this. We are infuriated, mortified, horrified, disgusted, and repulsed. This is just bad.)**

I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. **(Oh god you egotistical paranoid delusional cunt build a bridge and get the fuck over it.)**

I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **(That tree is still alive?)**

Then all of a suddenly **(Pick. "All of a sudden" or "suddenly." You can have one, but not both. It's just one of those hard facts of life. Sorry.)**, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything **(What is "everything?" Either tell us what "everything" is or we get to fill it all in. Lime green parachute pants? Magenta clown wig? Snooki's tan? Let's go with yes. To all of those. I like that.) **started flying towards me on a broomstick!

He didn't have a nose **(You already said this, like, 10 words ago) **(basically like Voldemort in the movie) **(Are there really that many characters without noses? Who else could it be? Honestly?) **and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **(Sorry honey you said "and everything" before so we got to control what he had. You gave up your control of characters when you left it at that.)**

It was… Voldemort! **(Well I'll be damned. Really. I did not see that coming.)**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. **(This is arguably the single worst sentence to date in this story.)**

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. **(WHAT THE **_**FUCK**_**? "Crookshanks?" What the flying fuck are "Crookshanks?" I don't have to know anything about Harry Potter to know that that is wrong on many levels.)**

Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. **(I'd want him to fall on her, but then they'd probably start fucking.)**

I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **(Stopped… what?)**

"Ebony." he yelled. **(Punctuation reflects intent. Fix that. Now.)**

"Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **(Holy crap. Is this supposed to be a plot? It took her **_**9 chapters**_** to reveal something that didn't consist of clothes, music, and "sexy" excuses for "men"? Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. Though Tara would probably run screaming "cuz I'm a girl you sicko.")**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes **(Don't put sexy- or any other word for that matter- in any other form unless it is being spoken. Because then it's just stupid. You need quotes around this.) **and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **(This should be "Joel Mad**_**den's**_**." "Madde**_**n'zzzzz**_**." "Joel Mad**_**den'ZZZ**_**." See what I'm getting at? Otherwise "Harry's" face looks like Joel Madden's entire body, technically.)**

I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **(No, really? What on God's ****green earth made you think of that one?)**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back. **(GAHHHHH)**

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged. **(Really? A gun? You live in a world of magic and apparently vampires and you're a witch and he's a really powerful sorcerer and you're using **_**guns**_**?! You. Fail. At life.)**

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **(Is that a promise?)**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way. **(I will never stop hating you for this.)**

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **(I always have that look when I read this.)**

"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. **(…So? That doesn't answer how you know… Hath?)**

"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. **(I like this plan. No matter what, "Harry" or Draco die. I'm really ok with this.)**

Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do.

Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" **(You were just told to kill one of your friends or else he-Draco- would die. And yet you sound so happy. What the hell?)**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. **(This is more like how she should feel. Kinda. )**

He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **(I wish I could take my crucifix necklace I got for confirmation last year and strangle you with it, then burn it to your forehead.) **between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **(This is the worst placed description yet.)**

"Are you okay?" I asked. **(DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO YOU?! YOU WERE JUST ALL PISSED AND LIKE "WTF" AND NOW THIS?! WHATTT?!)**

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **(Expelled?)**

"That's okay." he said all depressed **(I want to cut your tongue out…) **and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **(Walking while making out at the same time? Kinky. You characters aren't worth my ranting about how wrong it is that you just let all this go. You're really not. So chapter, over.)**

* * *

Well, was the chapter good? I hope so. Because I think this one pissed me off the most up to it's point in the story (I wrote this about a month ago now).

Worst Sentence!

Chapter 8:  
"She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood thatg she was wearing contact lenses on."

I know I said that one sentence was arguably the worst, but after talking it over, I decided it doesn't beat out this one. Because this really bothers me. A lot. I hate this sentence. I really do... But this is open for discussion, really. So let me know!

I look forward to your comments, it will be awesome! I love talking to you guys!

~Amanda


	10. Chapter 10

Hey! I hope you guys had an epic weekend because I did. And like a half hour ago my sister puked, talked on a phone, then handed me the phone... and after I used it she told me she had puked. Lovely, right? I'm expecting mass upchuck at any second now. XD Anyways, OMG THANK YOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS! IT MADE MY FREAKIN DAY! I WAS LIKE "HOLY SHIT ON A STICK, BATMAN!" So thank youuuuu!

really, thank you: Laveycee, I love Neville, The first Mauradette, bhuvanabi, Oneofthosepeopleonthestreet, GreenRider- Inheritance- fanatic, and Dndchk for the reviews and subscriptions! A bunch of you answered my questions about Harry Potter, specifically about the cat. And the spell thing. I hope you realize I legit don't know jack shit about Harry Potter. I don't. I've never cared enough to read it. The whole Harry Potter craze went right over my head. So yeah... I meant it- I know NOTHING.

Here's chapter 10! We made it to the double digits! Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 10. **(Double digits! I must really be a masochist to be doing this because I feel physically sick reading this but I love it.)**

AN: stup it u gay fags **(Whoa whoa whoa. That was uncalled for.)** if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! **(Spell 'fuck' right, and, maybe we can talk.)**

ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!**(Oh fuck this shit. Where's my duct tape? I'm taping your mouth shut.)**

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. **(Bull shit.)**

I was even upset went to rehearsals**(What the hell happened here?)** with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **(That's not a band name. It's just…. not.)**

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **(Oh Mary Sue, there you are!)**

People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **(Please note this is like the only time Slipknot is ever really mentioned. HA!)**

The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo **(Huh? What's "Diabolo?" is that supposed to be "Diablo?" Because according to Urban Dictionary it is a yo-yo with murderous tendencies.) **now.

He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.**(WHY IS HE NOT GINGER.)** and Hargrid.

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. **(You come to band practice though you've just been told to kill someone but **_**they**_** can get out of it just because they're a lil' sad? That's fucked.)**

I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists **(Won't… rant… won't… rant… Grrrrr) **(he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too **(So you can constantly let us know what he's wearing but the fact that he's a fucking **_**vampire **_**isn't important at all…) **and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) **(wow. Just wow.) **or a steak **(…Fuck this isn't even worth it. REALLY. God that's the worst. A steak. Wow.)**) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. **(The claymation one? That's a 'depressing movie?' …Wow.)**

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. **(*coughWHOREcough*)**

You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **(If you have to tell your readers "she's not a a slut" then guess what, she's a slut. It just works that way. And trying to hide that fact by saying "oh, no, no, she's not a slut" just makes us know it even more.)**

**(Wait was she just changing clothes in the middle of band practice?)**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. **(Yes she just changed clothes in the middle of band practice. And what happened to writing songs since two of your members are missing?)**

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. **(Oh God **_**here we go.**_**)**

And then I said. **(Take this little bit out)** "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! **(Who's Harry? You mean Vampire? Yeah. Pick a name please.)**

But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. **(All those poor commas… Put into that sentence when they shouldn't be. I pity them.)**

But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. **(Didn't you already start crying? Dear god just stop. AND STOP KIDNAPPING COMMAS!)**

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **(What is this, Nazi Germany? What's with the hiding places in walls and stuff? And I thought he was being all… cutter-ific or whatever?) **

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. **(Because you would have freaked?)**

"How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **(It's too late to keep them in character. Just don't bother.)**

I started to cry and cry. **(When did you **_**stop **_**crying?!)**

Draco started to cry too all sensitive. **(Oh god two girls crying now? These people are a mess.)**

Then he ran out crying. **(Just say he ran out. We already know he's crying.)**

We practiced for one more hour. **(He feels the love guys.)**

Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! **(This sentence just made me laugh.)**

His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **(Because the headache is an excuse to cover your ass for the fact that you can't keep anyone in character- including your OC- to save your life.)**

"What have you done!" **(…Nothing.)**

He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) **(How do you cry wisely?)**

"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." **(See she didn't do anything. He killed himself. BUT please see this reference: [**I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists(he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a _c-r-o-s-s_ (there's no way I'm writing that) or a _steak_**] and explain how the hell he died. I'd get all upset that she broke her own rule, but I'm happy he died. Yay!)**

* * *

And that's chapter 10!

Worst Sentence:

Chapter 10:  
"You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not."

This sentence is correct in every aspect of spelling and grammar. What earned it the title Worst Sentence, is it's complete disregard for character formation. If a character has to say "I know you think I'm a huge fucking slut, but trust me, only a small plane could fit in my vagina, so I'm not a slut" then she is a fucking slut. It doesn't work. Plus she has fucked anyone and everyone she could. PLUS she dresses like a confused whore! She's a slut. And addressing that fact, makes us not only think it, we now know it.

Well, that's the chapter 10! I look forward to hearing from you! Thanks!  
~Amanda


	11. Chapter 11

heellooooooooo readers! XD This is chapter 11. I'm just warning you now, I start school AND work in the next couple weeks, so my updates might not happen on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays like I want them to. It all depends on schoolwork and such. It shouldn't change too much, I hope, I'll still update 3 times a week, just not necessarily on those days. Just a warning.

Thank you Dndchk, Oneofthosepopleonthestreet, and Gentiana for your reviews! I love you guys 3

So, everyone, activate you vaginal super powers, and read. (Don't ask, I got that off omegle.)

* * *

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz!

c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 **(I don't have to see. I **_**know**_**)**

it delz wit rly sris issus! **(You make serious issues into jokes. Please, no more serious issues.)**

sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

"NO!" I screamed. **(Indicated by the caps lock and the exclamation point)**

I was horrorfied! **(LOL!)**

B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. **(Crying yourself? Huh? Really are you going to be a whiny bitch telling everyone her problems or are you going to keep them all to yourself? You can't be both.)**

Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. **(Not only is this sentence very wrong grammar wise, it's also wrong in that if he believed you were in danger of harming yourself he'd have every right to go into your room as the person in charge of the school.)**

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. **(I'm done with this shit you pull for now)**

They **(Your wrists? Your tears?) **got all over my clothes so I took them **(Your wrists or your clothes or your tears? You really need to write clearer.) **off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. **(That can't be healthy… to sit in your bloody bath water like that.)**

I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. **(Bet that would have worked well. How would you get the meat into your chest? Sharpen the bone in it?)**

I was so fucking depressed! **(No you're not you're just dramatic. you are exactly the same as every other 12 year old fangirl.)**

I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. **(How would you put on a dress sadly OR sandly? That just doesn't make sense.)**

I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **(Now is not the time for one of your fashion disasters.)**

I couldn't fucking believe it. **(Believe what?)**

Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! **(All sorts of shit like this happens to you, doesn't it?)**

And Loopin was masticating to it! **(Masticate- courtesy of Merriam Webster- "****1****:**** to grind or crush (food) with or as if with the teeth. 2****:**** to soften or reduce to pulp by crushing or kneading"... That's like the exact opposite of masturbating! It really is! The penis increases in size and gets harder as it's played with!)**

They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! **(You're not naked, you're dressed now.)**

ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. **(Why? You're dressed! You just got dressed!)**

Suddenly Vampire ran in. **(What was he doing so close to her room? That's creepy)**

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **(Haha when I picture this I see a weird looking Harry yelling and thrusting madly.)**

I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. **(Ok… 1. You are a witch. Why do you need a gun? 2. You are a vampire. Why do you need a gun? 3. Your gun shot a gazillion bullets? BS. 4. Snape and Lupin are only screaming? If you hit them a bunch they should be all but dead. No screaming involved.)**

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. **(I think Dumblydore sounds so much better than Dumbledore. Sorry HP fans, it's hysterical to say dramatically.)**

"Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly… **(It's official. This is my least favorite chapter yet. I can make myself finish these chapters but this… I had to walk away from. Ugh this chapter is just the worst yet.)**

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. **(WHEN DID YOU GET OUTSIDE?!)**

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" **(…No he's not. I have not seen the movies, read the books, read any fanfiction, ANYTHING on Harry Potter and I KNOW he's not.)**

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. **(Really. Pauses. I need an eye roll emote)**

"BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" **(Oh for fucks sakes…)**

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him.

"There must be other factors." **(Factors for **_**what?**_**)**

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **(**_**Yelled in madly**_**. Mother fucking cunt sucking son of a bitch whore… Oh my fucking god… I am about at the end of my patience.)**

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **(Best. Misspelling. Ever. Trium-elephant-ly!)** "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" **(NONE OF THIS CONNECTS AT ALL! THIS JUST…. IT… BUT… I… I... I'm fucking done. End of chapter 11 commentary.)**

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him.

I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air.

Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

"Because I LOVE HER!"

* * *

THAT IS HOW BAD THIS WAS. I COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH. I COULDN'T. IT WAS THAT FUCKING AWFUL. THIS IS WHY YOU NEEDED SUPER POWERS OUT OF A VAGINA TO READ THIS SHIT.

Worst Sentence:

Chapter 11:  
"I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke."

Again, spelling and grammar wise, this sentence is relatively flawless. But it brings out exactly how NOT Harry potter this is. They're using guns. There is extreme over exaggeration. There is ridiculous consequences. The conflict building up to this is so... unnatural it's fucking insane. No one fucking died in this supposed hell fire raing of bullets. And only a camera broke. This sums up everything wrong with this story, plot wise in one sentence. I mean I would love to see a genuine Harry Potter fic with just some random slut OP going in and fucking it up. I think that would be pretty great, if it was done right. Harry Potter porn. SOMEONE would fap to it. Someone, somewhere, would jack off to that. Think of it as the 50 Shades of Grey of the Harry Potter universe.

I hope you enjoyed it, thank you for reading, sorry I couldn't fucking take it anymore in the middle of that chapter. :) I look forward to hearing from everyone!

~Amanda


	12. Chapter 12

I know, I know, I am a fucking terrible person. I know. I'm in the process of switching laptops and have been fucking around with both of them all weekend (we even had some guy come try and fix my new one because the fucking thing is top of the line yet can't make Microsoft Word work! But I won't bitch to you all about that.) and it still doesn't work. I'm sorry. I just need my new laptop to work for school, which is next week! HOLY FUCK SCHOOL IS NEXT WEEK. FUCK MY LIFE. So anyways, now I'm updating.

Holy fuck you guys spammed the shit out of my email with reviews. It made me die of happiness. But that's ok, because this is My Immortal. Everyone dies but somehow survives it, so I'm just fine.

By the way, I know I said I know nothing about Harry potter but I guess I never elaborated on the fact that I know nothing about it because I literally don't give a flying fuck about Harry Potter. I am strictly a My Immortal fan and I am doing this just for shits and giggles. I only know the stuff I know because HP is just that well known around the globe. Yeah. So now you know. You can tell me to read it, swear it's amazing, I really don't care. Sorry. I won't read it.

Thank you so so so so so much to: Gentiana, RedRoseMana, ChelleLovesHP, FutureAuthoress176, Oneofthosepeopleonthestreet, Dndchk, and As the Robin Flies for your reviews, subscriptions, and your support!

And now on to this piece of shit.

* * *

Chapter 12. **(Oh my GOD this chapter is so loonggg) (That's what she said)**

**(You know what?)**

***crosses out entire authors note***

**(YESSSSS)**

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. **(It's only been like… 4 days.)**

He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. **(Melodramatic prep. Just do the world a favor and fucking die already, holy shit.)**

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. **(Had some fun with the caps lock didn't you? Plus… Hairgrid? What is he, bigfoot?)**

He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! **("Omfg?" If you're screaming in pain I doubt you're going to start screaming an acronym. You'll be hurling curses that would make a truck driver blush. And what's with the eye rolling? That's not some big thing. You want something big, think... my penis. Sorry, I couldn't turn that joke down. I'm female, no penis here.)**

You could only see his red whites. **(And now I'll focus on the stupidity of**** this entire scar/ eye thing. His scar starts hurting, and there's no explanation for it. It's just sort of accepted. Plus the whole reaction to it… nothing but "oh, what?" REALLY HE'S SCREAMING IN PAIN. And one more thing: **_**red whites. …**_**So… His eyes are pink? Prep!)**

I stopped. "How did u know?" **(Know what? That you were gonna stab yourself? Maybe he walked by? But that's all you can say? Honestly?)**

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"** (Saw what? And how does he know that his scar changes, does he just have a mirror? Does he feel his scar tissue morph? How?)**

"NO!" I ran up closer. **(You act like this is a big deal… I know it's just going to be a forgotten event, you know it's going to be a forgotten event, let's move on.)**

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. **(… I don't have a fucking clue. After last chapter… God my brain is such mush)**

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. **(What is the point of changing it if you're just gonna cover it up?) **

"Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! **(Still haven't said why we should save you, because you haven't given us a reason for it being bad)**

then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!" **(Kinky. Are fuzzy handcuffs involved? Whips? Paddles? How about studded leather collars and dominatrix heels? If so, may I join?)**

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. **(… I have a physical headache from trying to follow this. I'm not exaggerating, or being sarcastic, I'm being completely honest.)**

Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. **(Has she once spelled "Hagrid" correctly?)**

They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. **(See, there's that second person again. Just stop it, really, Tara. Really. Plus if they're being sent to… Wherever, why are they with you? One of them "loves" you and the other two were taking a video of you in your room. There is not a snowball's chance in hell they'd be there.)**

Dumbledore had constipated **(… God I don't even want to start on this. So wrong…) **the cideo camera they took of me naked. **(YOU WEREN'T NAKED FOR FUCKS SAKE.)**

I put up my middle finger at them. **(I'm going to break that middle finger and shove it so far up your ass you poke your brain.)**

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses. **(He was already there though! Oh fuck it.)**

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses. **(Please don't shorten things like this. "V." is usually recognized as "verb" or "versus.")**

"Fuck off." I told him. **(Wow. Harsh.)**

"You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. **(Ungrateful little bitch.)**

Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses." **(Oh God. Leave the roses alone. Please. Please!)**

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. **(He brought you **_**something**_** you snarky little skank, would it kill you to be a **_**little**_** nice?)**

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. **(How? When?)**

"No you didn't I replied." **(Why are you talking in the third person? But yeah point proven. But neither of you have winning arguments so you shouldn't be talking.)**

"You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." **(His shower scene? Snape and Lupin already saw the video. They were taking the film, dummy. And for Christ's sake PORN.)**

Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) **(yes. It is. So is "see" "that" "spelled" and "wrong." You got 2 out of the 7 words there. Get off the internet. Now.) **to it he added silently. **(Who are you, yoda?)**

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses.

"These aren't roses." **(Not the roses *whimpers*)**

He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! . **(. . . . . . . .)**

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. **(Oh for the love of all that is holy quit it with the music.)**

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. **(…Warming up… Vocal cords… To scream. I'm restraining myself from hitting my computer)**

"Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"**(MCR fans all over the world are humiliated right now)**

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air.

And it was black. **(Duly noted)**

Now I knew he wasn't a prep. **(Maybe it's just me but I don't see how that proves anything.)**

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"**(No more acronym/ text speak. Please.)**

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. **(Hagrid is now bigfoot.)**

I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.**(SEE. SEE. NOT C. Sweet Jesus.)**

"U c, Enobby **(New low)**," Dumblydore **(DUMBLYDORE!) **said, watching the two of us watching the flame. **(Damn this text speak.)**

"2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?" **(What? Could you repeat that? In English? And you know what, these are not the original characters, they are that OOC. They are your own versions of the characters. But now YOUR CHARACTERS ARE OOC FROM THEMSELVES. You know what that means? You fail at life. GTFO.)**

**(For your benefit, here is what I **_**think**_** is being said. Don't quote me. **

**[**"to see what is in the flames you must find yourself first, ok?"**]**

**Wow… original. You thought long and hard about that didn't you?)**

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. **(He's not talking to you, dumbass)**

dUMBLydore lookd shockd. **(Editor, you're fired)**

I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.** (Why bother? Hagrid is such a dumbass in replying, he doesn't deserve a response.)**

Hairgridstormed off back into his bed.

"U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!" **(Slap him Dumbly. Slap him hard.)**

Anyway when I got better **(That was fast) **I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. **(This all has been soooo bad, I actually missed the clothing descriptions.)**

There was some corset stuff on the front. **(So what was it, a shirt or a corset?)**

Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. **(Tacky)**

I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss. **(I'm sick of the clothing descriptions again.)**

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. **(Why on earth are YOU upset? Why is everyone always upset? Fuck get some goddamned Prozac or some shit already.)**

Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset. **(We know. You just said "sadly.")**

I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. **(You just got out of the infirmary for having cut yourself! Plus, drinking your own blood? What does that do?) **

I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time. **(Starting to sense some déjà vu here…)**

I went to some classes. **(Holy crap classes. I completely forgot this was a school because you never mention them)**

Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. **(Hair-as if that's not weird enough- of magical **_**magic creatures**_**. Wow. *slow applause* wow.)**

He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco.

He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

"Hi." he said in a depressed way.

"Hi back." I said in an wquallysaid way. **(And now the "back"s are in their language?! Oh my god, shoot me now)**

We both looked at each other for some time.

Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos.

Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. **(Whore. Slut. Skank. Hoe. Bitch. Cunt. NOTHING IS STORNG ENOUGH!)**

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. **(That's all you can think of?)**

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him.

"Stop trying to screw me. **(Well that's not cool. Pulling the rape card. Not cool at all. Seriously fucked up, actually.)**

You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily. **("Loved" being the keyword. "love-ED." You don't love him anymore?)**

Just then he started to scream. **(Again?)**

"OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! **(WE JUST WENT THROUGH ALL THIS)**

You could only see his red whites. **(Pinks)**

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back.

"Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

**(THOSE WERE EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE BEGINNING OF THE FUCKING CHAPTER! ALMOST WORD FOR WORD EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME! IT STILL DOES ABSO- FUCKING- LUTELY NOTHING!)**

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111 **(Please die together)**

***deletes***

**HA**

* * *

I just... like... I don't even know. I don't. I have no words.

Worst Sentence:

Chapter12  
"2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

Oh holy hell. Seriously, holy hell. I think I'm just going to do a list of bullet points for this sucker because I don't know where to start.

* 2 should be to. This is writing, not math class.  
* c should be see Since when does the keyboard only have one letter? HOLY FUCK IT DOESN'T. Use the other letters too, you lazy bitch.  
*wht should be what. Honestly, just press that one button. It's not hard.  
*iz should be is. This is just ignorant. This is just spitting in the face of all us writers by purposefully using the z instead of the s. Fucking cow.  
*n should be in. Really. One button. Just press it.  
*da should be the. This is English. Not Russian. (not to be offensive.)  
*flmes should be flames. ONE FUCKING BUTTON. PRESS ONE FUCKING BUTTON.  
*Your stupid interruption to try and offend us with some ridiculously bad pun. No.  
*u should be you. Because this is not a text message.  
*mst should be must.  
*find is the ONLY word spelled correctly in this sentence. That in and of itself is a huge problem.  
*urself should be yourself. Because this still isn't a text message. Even over text, no one types like this. because most phones have full keyboards now, there is no excuse.  
*1st should be fully spelled out to say first. I guess I can understand someone making this error.  
*k just doesn't belong.  
* For the character saying this, it is INCREDIBLY out of character.  
*This is the stupidest excuse of wisdom I've ever seen.

I'm over all this. Enjoy. Review. I'll reply later. See ya, people.

~Amanda


	13. Chapter 13

I am the worst human being on the face of this Earth, I know. I do have a legitimate excuse for not updating like I should have though. I do. Last Thursday my entire family went to Disneyland, and took my laptop with them in case my mom had to do work. This is the same laptop that has all of my documents with the individual chapters on it, so I literally did not have the chapter to post. It was 6 hours away in Anaheim. I was home alone until Sunday night. I didn't update Monday or Wednesday because this week I have started school again, and I also have had job orientations galore. So aside from spending several pointless hours at school (because I have to get there about an hour early if I want a freaking parking spot) I also have to be racing all over town for work. I have not eaten legitimate food in days. Literally, days. It's all been munchies I could grab on the go really quick. I feel sick to my stomach right now from lack of actual food, but I have to get this done. But I have the update. I do. Here it is.

Thank you FutureAuthoress176, Gentiana, Oneofthosepeopleonthestreet, RangerManaInSnuggieWar, The Ablazing Arrow, and Dndchk for your support and for sticking with me through this crap week!

* * *

Chapter 13.

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! **(uh… what?)**

PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore.

We were so scared. **(of what?)**

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled.

Dumbledore came there. **(I'm sorry but when you say it like that it sounds like it was an orgasm. Like "he came all over the bed" and now I am scarred for life because Dumbly is an old guy and that picture in my head is just… disturbing as hell.)**

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily. **(Uncalled for.)**

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time. **(I swear, just a couple chapters ago they said that Voldemort had Draco held hostage… er… bondage. Why is all this a surprise?)**

He laughed in an evil voice. **(Isn't he a good guy though?)**

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged. **(Chill. He's just laughing.)**

"No." he said meanly. **(He's in charge of the school. He would technically **_**have**_** to help rescue Draco only because he was a student.)**

"I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. **(You're still liable for him.)**

"Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. **(Doesn't matter. I don't like my siblings I'm still responsible for them when it's just us at home. This is BS.)**

Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) **(Well aren't you reliable in stressful situations. You'll be helpful, won'tcha, "Harry." And thanks, Ebony, you're so super helpful, with your lady boner over homosexual men.)**

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. **(Oh don't pretend to suddenly care about his feelings. You just tried nailing him AND calling it rape.)**

He started to cry tears of blood. **(Really, that's not right.)**

Then he had a brainstorm. **(Now Jimmy Neutron is involved? Why? Thanks for ruining my childhood.)**

"I had an idea!" he exclaimed. **(No, really?)**

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said.

He took out his wand and did a spell. **(Well, for a wizard this is to be expected, I guess. At least no more pansy ass guns.)**

Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! **(That was far too simple.)**

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. **(Croon?)**

"Allah Kedavra!*"** (Allah? Uhm… ok. Not even gonna start on the religious controversy you just dragged up again.)**

It was….. Voldemort! **(All you poor little dots, I'm sorry you get dragged into this.)**

* * *

****I didn't think this chapter was all that great, there wasn't a lot to work with, it was insanely short. It's just filler shit that she put in for more attention, that little whore.

Worst Sentence:

Chapter12  
"2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

Because nothing can top that shit. I'm done :)

~Amanda


	14. Chapter 14

I deserve death. I know. I'm sorry! I'm terrible. I suck. I know.

I have been drowning in a bottomless pool of homework. Like, it literally never stops comiGeneralng. It just doesn't. And when I finally do finish I am SO SICK OF MY FUCKING COMPUTER that I just... gah. Half the time I hate this little motherfucking hunk of plastic. Plus I've started working and all too. fml. I totally forgot about my love here and I now hate myself.

Thank you SO SO SO SO SO SO much to my lovely followers, Oneofthosepeopleonthestreet, Dndchk , RangerManaInSnuggieWar, MagicNinjaUnicorn, TheAblazingArrow, and Gentiana! I love you, I haven't forgotten you, and I'm sorry for taking so long to update. I wanna cry I'm so disappointed in myself.

I won't make you wait anymore. Here's the next chapter!

* * *

Chapter 14.

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! **(Preps are like 99% of your readers. Why would you get rid of them?)**

Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. **(What has she helped with? Honestly?)**

im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. **(Oh cry me a river. My excuses are legit excuses. This is bullshit.)**

PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. **(Your grammar is terrifying. No seventh dimension of hell, real or fabricated, could compare to the horrors of your writing.)**

VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. **(Excretion? Uhm… ew. Please, don't shit your pants everyone.)**

We ran to where Volcemort was.

It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there.

Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. **(Mind giving him a name? Because I feel morally disinclined to call him "The Fat guy Who Killed Cedric.")**

Draco was there crying tears of blood. **(WHY CAN'T PEOPLE CRY NORMALY? Call me crazy, but I like my normal salt water tears.)**

Snaketail was torturing him. **(Is this the fat guy who killed Cedric? This Snaketail? I'm assuming yes?)**

Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail. **(These past few sentences have been so boring, and yet they've been the most correct sentences- grammar and spelling wise, not content wise- in the entire story so far. Pitiful.)**

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" **(So… He's asking them to make him blind?) **he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he **(Uh… ADD much?) **looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. **(Oh dear lord… )**

"." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) **(. . . period. Alright then. To not even put a sentence there… It's just… I can't believe I still manage to be surprised by this shit. I really can't. That bothers me more than the fact that she totally changed a character. Because that I'm used to.)**

"Huh?" I asked. **(My thoughts exactly. Oh holy mother of God I just agreed with this bitch on something… Kill me.)**

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. **(Wha…? You know I wish I could say that she won't have sex with him because no girl would ever fuck any guy who ever said this to her, no matter how rich, handsome, popular, ANYTHING he was. I can't say it though, because I know, you readers know, and even worse the AUTHOR knows that she would fuck his brains out strictly for the fact that he possibly has some excuse for a penis.)**

I started laughing crudely. **(Explain how this works for me please.)**

"What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. **(Every character in this piece of shit is a fucked up bastard, so that isn't saying much. But yeah, while this is strange, it makes sense. Torture the boyfriend then kill him off, then swipe the girlfriend. And you're a whore, you'd fuck him if Draco wasn't there. We all know it.)**

Then I stabbed him in the heart. **(Well… at least none of us have to hear about this guy anymore.)**

Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. **(… You're dying. Shut your fucking mouth. We don't want to hear about your shit anymore.)**

He started screaming and running around. **(This is My Immortal. I know it will be ridiculous. And yet somehow it continues to get worse. And worse. And worse.)**

Then he fell down and died. **(That's more like it!)**

I brust into tears sadly. **(Why? You already killed him, it's a little late to grow some emotion out your ass.)**

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. **(This isn't Shakespeare stop talking like that.)**

Then… he started coming! **(Because dead bodies totally get everyone off you know? Just one look and you totally jizz all over yourself. Mmm I love it!)**

We could hear his high heels clacking to us. **(Ok, you may scream TMI but get the hell over it. As a girl who has never had an orgasm when I get close to it before something goes wrong, I can't even talk. I give him some serious props for walking, in heels, while having an orgasm. That is seriously, seriously impressive.)**

So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. **(Why bother with all of this if nothing at all happens except one guy with 2 lines dies? That was literally the biggest waste of time in this story thus far. Except for acid trip chapters… 6 and 7 I think? This was the biggest waste of time.)**

We went to my room.

Vampire went away. **(Aaaaand here we go again…)**

There I started crying. **(I'm not sure what's worse. Hearing her emotional shit or some really bad citrus of her fucking that freak of a boyfriend she has.)**

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. **(Honey? And wow, that was kinda rude. Just stripping, expecting it. She's crying. I don't care that it's completely idiotic that she's crying, she's still crying. Put your fucking clothes back on. She is literally the worst person ever created. But PUT YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES BACK ON. I don't want to listen to her whine and bitch WHILE some really bad sex is going on. That is worse than anything.)**

He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) **(Puns are not your thing. Just stop.) **and a really huge you-know-what and everything. **(well I don't believe for a single second that he's got this monstrous dong, for two main reasons. One, if he did, you wouldn't be embarrassed to say it. You'd be shouting it from the roof tops. MY BOYFRIEND HAS A HUGE FUCKING PENIS, AIN'T YOU ALL JELLY, BITCHES? And two… I just don't believe for a fucking second that anyone like that could have a penis whatsoever, let alone a massive one worthy of a horse.)**

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. **(Oh god… what else about your freakin lucky ass life is wrong now, you ungrateful cunt?)**

"Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything." **(#MarySueProblems) (I want to slap myself for using a hashtag for something. I have never done that, in my life, until now. Literally. But it fit so… fucking… perfectly…)**

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. **(And her legs open wide enough to swallow the entire length of Hollywood Boulevard! Holy hell! They're sluts? Then what the fuck is she?!)**

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! **(They want sex. ONLY. SEX. Get that through your empty head. They want sex, and you'll fuck anything with something remotely like a penis.)**

Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. **(No.)**

Hargrid says he's in love with me. **(He was in like… 2 chapters.)**

Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! **(You already fucked "Harry." He's out of the picture. And please see this direct quote as proof for Snaketail: [**Enoby I love you will you have sex with me**] point proven. Guys. Want. Sex. And you're the closest, cheapest *free* hooker they have. So deal with it, bitch.) (well, guys in here at least. I know that not ALL guys are manwhores.)**

I just wanna be with you ok Draco! **(And every other thing that happens to be going down Hollywood Boulevard.)**

Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. **(Oh how I wish I could wring your stupid neck with my bare hands.)**

(an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) **(What made you think we thought that? If you have to cover this because she seems that way to readers, guess what, it means she is. She is rude, arrogant, egotistical, ungrateful, stupid beyond compare, and vagina flaps in the wind!)**

"Im good at too many things!

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? **(SHUT. YOUR. FUCKING. MOUTH.)**

IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. **(Don't come back.)**

* * *

I hate myself for it, but I feel like a genius for the hashtag line. If I were remotely into Twitter, I would start up a #MarySueProblems thing (if that's even how it works?). The girl's name would be Mary Sue and her "BFF's" would be Bella and Ebony/Enoby/Evony and the world would hear about their exploits of fucking the same incestuous group of boy things and going shopping and being the most pitiful little perfect bitches known to the world. I want to do this. I really do.

Worst Sentence:

Chapter12  
"2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"  
**  
**

It's been a week and that thing still makes me skin crawl.

Well, if you don't hate me, review! message me! go ahead and scream at me, I don't care. I deserve it. See ya!  
~Amanda


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